My parents were married at 19 years of age. When my father retired, he did so after 40 years of working for the same company. This past week, my parents hosted a 50th wedding anniversary celebration for all the people that made them who they are – many of them had been close friends for more than 30 years or more.
These things don’t happen much anymore. Life is much more transient, and much more fleeting. Change has always been a constant, but never with this much speed.
The obvious question to ask a couple married so long is some form of “how did you make it?” How did you stay together for 50 years? How did you work for a company for so long? How did you remain that committed?
The answer that was never spoken, but so very obvious in the room the night my parents celebrated 50 years, is that they had a lot of help. That is to say (and this may seem strange) that commitment requires more than just two people.
Aristotle wrote about a “transcendent third” – the idea that two people fall in love, not simply with each other, but with something else that they can love together. He argued that “the third” is necessary to pull them out of themselves or their ego. What is needed is something they can love together.
I like to think of Aristotle’s idea like a roof. Between two points, you have a line – a flat roof that will eventually buckle under the weight of the elements. Between three points, you have a roof that is pitched, allowing the elements to fall to the side.
Beyond marriage, the secret to commitment is still much the same: rather that existing between you and something or someone else, commitment exists within the context of something greater – a community or a set of values. This is true of a school or a workplace or a city. In “the third”, we are brought out of our own selfishness into a shared sense of service that allows to be equal together. In a corporate culture, this may look like the mission or the communicated values or the experience. In a marriage, this will be some kind of community, whether it be family, or friends, or otherwise.
But this also takes time, intentionality and presence.
May we all be so fortunate to find these, and the commitment they bring about. . . so that it may happen more and more.